Her only flair is . . . in her nostrils.
* Never let a fool kiss you . . . or a kiss fool you
*You have brought Religion to my life . . . I now believed in Hell.
*I can keep secrets . . . but the people I tell, can't.
*Money can't buy happiness . . . but it's more comfortable to cry in a Rolls than in a Robin
*I distrust camels and . . . anyone else who can go a week without a drink
*99 percent of lawyers . . . give the rest a bad name
* What is the key to long life . . . surgery
* The Roman Empire fell . . . and those will too Honey
* If you don't get it . . . it's probably about you!
* Are people talking behind your back . . . fart.
* Follow your heart . . . but take your brain with you.
* Why is it that at class reunions . . . you feel younger than everyone else looks?
* The Rings of Saturn are composed entirely of . . . lost airline luggage.
* In Hollywood a marriage is a success . . . if it outlasts milk.
* The richer you get . . . the more expensive happiness becomes
* Love may be blind . . . but marriage is a an eye-opener
* Feeling mean . . . give a little child something useful for Christmas
* Well, today was a total waste of . . . makeup
* A boy is usually the kind of kid . . . his mother tells him not to play with.
* Fellows like him don't grow on trees . . . they usually swing from them.
* There are worse things than getting a wrong number call at 4 in the morning . . . it could be the right number green evening party selections
* The average person thinks . . . he isn’t
* Want a real good run for your money . . . eat prunes
* Hypochondria . . . is the only disease I haven't got.
* My wife dresses to kill . . . and cooks the same
* Everybody knows how to raise children . . . except the people who have them.
* There are no new sins . . . the old ones just get more publicity
* Money will buy a fine dog . . . only kindness will make him wag his tail
* I am free of all prejudices . . . I hate every one equally
* The sex was so good . . . even the neighbors had a cigarette
* Halloween yippee . . . inner bimbo . . . here we come
* Some people are alive . . . only because it's illegal to kill them
* Business conventions demonstrate . . . how many people a company can operate without
* The company you keep . . . becomes the character you reap
* In war it does not matter who is right . . . but who is left
* Knowledge is not what the pupil remembers . . . but what he cannot forget
* Talk is cheap . . . unless it involves your ex and her lawyer
* You're as useless as . . . a P in a Psycho.
* Your cooking is fabulous . . . the smoke alarm even cheers you on
* The only normal people you know . . . are the ones you don’t know very well
* I've reached the age where . . . 'happy hour' is a nap
* I sometimes think his only flair . . . is in his nostrils
* But for gravity . . . I'd be a high-flyer
* They say fight fire with fire . . . I got thrown out of the fire brigade
* Three minutes of fame maybe fleeting . . . but obscurity is forever
* Want things to change fast . . . put politicians on minimum wage
* What you do today is important . . . you are exchanging a day of you life for it
* They say love is blind . . . so why is lingerie so popular
* You're in a vehicle going the speed of light . . . what happens when you turn on the headlights
* The one who is talking to you about me today . . . is the one who will be talking to me about you tomorrow
* Life is short . . . smile while you still have teeth
* May all your troubles last only as long as . . . your New Year's resolutions