Where Did The Romance Go?

That morning, I woke wanting him badly, but he seemed tired and I didn't want to burden him. His day would be hard enough without missing sleep. So I let him and I lie there, my needs unexpressed and so unmet. Not his fault. Definitely mine.

Later that afternoon, I expressed my desire for him. He told me he'd been awake, but I'd seemed tired and he didn't want to burden me. He thought my day would be hard enough without missing sleep. So he let me sleep and he lay there, his needs unexpressed and so unmet.

We made plans for a special evening - just the two of us and our mutual appetites. I'd asked him if there was anything he would like for me to do before he arrived home. He replied, "I can think of a lot, but none of them are practical. You could dress to impress, though."

I asked him for specific desires, but he was at work and his reply wasn't forthcoming. Guess work it would be.

I'd started reading The 5 Love Languages the night before. It's a book about why and where things break down in marital relationships. One spouse wants one thing, another wants another, and neither of them knows how to communicate those needs so they go unexpressed and unmet.

Those unmet needs erode each other's confidence in being loved and being lovable. Desire flags in the face of rejections, those largely caused by the pain of unmet desires that were going unmet because they were not understood.

Without his guidance on what he wanted, I did my best to figure out how to make what I had available in my wardrobe match up with what I used to wear when we were courting and I wanted his attention. My supply of such clothing was sadly lacking.

As I showered, I began to think about that. Maybe the romance disappeared from our relationship in part because I stopped courting him. I stopped signaling to him that he was desired and desirable. I stopped showing him by the way that I dressed and the way that I moved that I wanted him, and that led him to feeling unsure and insecure.

A lot of the reason I stopped dressing the way I did when we first met was because my body stopped looking the way it had when we first met. The clothes that once made me feel sexy and confident now made me feel self-conscious and insecure - definitely not feelings that inspire passion. The heels that I used to love wearing were impractical for chasing after a child and now hurt my feet because of the things that added weight did to my body.

So I stopped buying those things that caught his eyes and I stopped wearing those things that made him feel like he was worth dressing up for, not because I wanted to hurt him or because I didn't care about him, but because I stopped loving me. I stopped being proud of my body and stopped wanting him to look at it.

But I didn't communicate those feelings to him, maybe because I wasn't even really aware they were there at the time, and so my need to feel beautiful and to believe that I was attractive and desirable went unmet.

And I think maybe he looked at that behavior and thought it was him I'd lost interest in. It's hard to find the motivation to buy flowers or write letters or go out of your way to do the little gestures you used to do for a woman who now seems to shy away from your touch, or who doesn't look like she even cares what you think of her and whether you desire her or not.

But in my pain and my insecurity, I found in his lack of those little gestures he once used to do for me all the time a silent confirmation of everything I feared to be true about me: I was no longer desirable. I was no longer his primary interest. I was no longer the woman he wanted, whose thoughts occupied the highest portion of his mind.

Years like this eroded away the confidence we once had in the bedroom on both sides. Now we approach timidly, uncertain of what we're going to meet when we do connect, hesitant to ask for what we're afraid the other person won't be able or willing to give us.

And maybe that's why the romance disappears. Because year after year, month after month, day after day, the unexpressed needs go unmet and the other person is left guessing as to why the person they married has stopped doing the things they once did that let them know how much they were loved, wanted, and desired.

So I got out of the bathtub and I made a resolution to begin that day to renew the courtship of my husband. To let him know by how I dress and how I act that he is desirable, wanted, and loved. To make an effort to dress up for him, to treat him like he's worth that effort, and not to take him for granted. I made a resolution not to allow my insecurities about my body and my dislike of the extra pounds and the stretch marks and the varicose veins be an excuse to hide myself away from him or shy away from his touch. retro style wears for a vintage wedding